Letter to the editor.

Recently I was down with the flu. I like to make the most of my sick time, so I started writing angry, self-righteous letters of disgust to local newspapers.

One of them was published here.

The Dears on Letterman

Featuring Paul Shaffer on keys. Outstanding.

Joan has been spayed.

In female animals, spaying involves abdominal surgery to remove the ovaries and uterus (ovariohysterectomy). The surgery is usually performed through a ventral (belly) midline incision below the umbilicus (belly button). The incision size varies depending upon the surgeon and the size of the animal. The uterine horns are identified and the ovaries are found by following the horns to their ends.

Joan has been asked to wear an "Elizabethan-style" collar, but has thus far refused.

She is trying to pull out her stitches with her teeth! Why would she want to do this? I'm not a doctor, but let's leave this to the professionals, hey Joan?

Last night, Joan sang softly in my ear. Her voice was exceptional; it had a childlike and other-worldly flexibility and treble pitch, like the eunuch castrati of the seventeenth century.

Forgive me, Joan. Forgive me for the horrible thing that I have done.

Nice

So you've seen this already. At least I am providing something good for you to watch.

Ed Arnold divulges secret family meatball recipe! (and other holiday photos)

Here are some recent holiday photos. I have taken the liberty of adding famous motivational captions to each photo. Enjoy.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
-Edmund Burke-

There are costs and risks to a program of action, but they are far less than the long-range risks and costs of comfortable inaction.
-John F. Kennedy-

I think one's feelings waste themselves in words; they ought all to be distilled into actions which bring results.
-Florence Nightingale-

Drive thy business, or it will drive thee.
-Benjamin Franklin-

You will never plough a field if you only turn it over in your mind.
-Irish Proverb-

Lists.

Is this narcissistic?

Here are the best records I bought in the last year or so.

Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings the Flood
The Dears - Gang of Losers
Band of Horses - Everything All the Time
The Meligrove Band - Planets Conspire
Malajube - Trompe-l'Oeil
Sloan - Never Hear the End Of It
MF Doom - Special Herbs: The Box Set Vol. 0-9
The Strokes - First Impressions of Earth
Al Tuck - My Blues Away

Here are my favourite songs of the year. I am not ashamed of any of these.

Al Tuck - February's Snow
The Dears - Ticket To Immortality
Band of Horses - The Funeral
Gwen Stefani - Wind It Up
Blood Meridian - Work Hard, For What?
Nelly Furtado - Say It Right
Sloan - Fading Into Obscurity

Here are the best live shows I saw this year.

Death Cab For Cutie/Franz Ferdinand @ Pacific Coliseum
I don't even like Death Cab but this show ruled - maybe because Lindsay came with me. I bought the new Franz
Ferdinand record on the strength of their performance. Note: it was better live.

Ladytron/CSS @ Richards
Cathie was right all along. Ladytron are good.

The Dears @ Richards
Is there a better band right now?

Tom Green and the Keepin' It Real Crew @ The Commodore/Elixir in Kingston, ON
The Vancouver show was sold out and hilarious. The Kingston show had ten people in the audience and was hilarious.

Teenage Fanclub @ The Red Room
The number of "classic" awesome singles this band has is unbelievable. They could play five hours and you'd still have
songs to be mad that they didn't play.

Final Fantasy @ UBC Norm Theatre
Totally unique. Songs that are annoying on record sound amazing live. The best use of an overhead projector I have ever
seen.

Sloan @ The Commodore
This is the tightest they have ever been.

Here are the most disappointing records I bought in the last year or so.

Jurassic 5 - Feedback
The Streets - The Hardest Way To Make An Easy Living
Willie Nelson - Countryman
Stephen Malkmus - Face the Truth

Here are the best movies I saw this year.

Borat
For Your Consideration
Brick
The Departed
The Devil and Daniel Johnston
Sympathy For Lady Vengeance

Here are the best books I read (or re-read) this year.

Ryan Arnold - The Coward Files
David Sedaris - Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
Jonathan Franzen - How To Be Alone
Haruki Murakami - The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle/Norwegian Wood (tie)

Here are my favourite food and beverages of the year.

Red Stripe beer
cabbage rolls
Twix bars
Diet Coke
Diet Pepsi
Coke
coffee
Hawaiian pizza
Cath's bocconcini salad

I am glad that this is out of my system. Happy new year, everyone!

Picking Up Babes.

Although I am already spoken for (sorry, ladies!), I still like to help friends out whenever I can with picking up babes. These videos employ a lot of the same techniques I used to land myself a nice gal, and I urge all of you single guys out there to use your own inner "Eagle Eye." Happy hunting, fellas!

Snow day! Snow day!

The Dears pIay a show tonight at Richard's on Richards.

And I didn't have to go to work today, on account of all the snow. Joan and I have spent the majority of the day shirking our responsibilities. We're just two drifters, off to see the world. There's such a lot of world to see! We're after the same rainbow's end, waiting 'round the bend... Joan, my huckleberry friend.

Democrats win majority in House, Senate: Joan Continues to Grow at an Exponential Rate

Meet the new speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi.



Joan continues to develop a slightly left of centre political world view. She likes Hilary Clinton in 2008. As for this Belinda Stronach/Ralph Klein thing, don't get her started. Don't even get her started.

David Sedaris.

Last Wednesday, Cath and I went to see David Sedaris read as a part of the Vancouver International Writer's Fest. He's a pretty hilarious guy, and his reading lived up to all of our expectations. This is an essay he read that night; it's from a feature for Esquire Magazine, where they asked him to talk about fashion accessories for men. If you like this you should read his book "Me Talk Pretty One Day." You should read all his books.



"WITH A PAL LIKE THIS, YOU DON'T NEED AN ENEMY."

I’ve always liked the idea of accessories, those little pick-me-ups designed to invigorate what has come to feel drab and predictable. A woman might rejuvenate her outfit with a vintage Hermes scarf or a jaunty rope belt, but the options for men aren’t nearly as interesting. I have no use for cuff links or suspenders, and while I’ll occasionally pick up a new tie, it hardly leaves me feeling “kicky.” Hidden accessories can do the trick, but, again, they’re mainly the province of women. Garter belt and lingerie–yes. Sock garter and micro brief–no.

It was my search for something discreet, masculine, and practical that led me to the Stadium Pal, an external catheter currently being marketed to sports fans, truck drivers, and anyone else who’s tired of searching for a bathroom. At first inspection, the device met all my criteria. Was it masculine? Yes, and proudly so. Knowing that no sensible female would ever voluntarily choose to pee in her pants, the manufacturers went ahead and designed the product exclusively for men. Unlike a regular catheter, which is inserted directly into the penis, the Stadium Pal connects by way of a self-adhesive condom, which is then attached to a flexible plastic tube. Urine flows through the tube and collects in the “Freedom Leg Bag,” conveniently strapped to the user’s calf. The bag can be emptied and reused up to twelve times, making it both disgusting and cost-effective. Was it discreet? According to the brochure, unless you wore it with shorts, no one needed to know anything about it. Was it practical? At the time, yes. I don’t drive or attend football games, but I did have a book tour coming up, and the possibilities were endless. Five glasses of iced tea followed by a long public reading? Thanks, Stadium Pal. The window seat on an overbooked cross-country flight? Don’t mind if I do!

I ordered myself a Stadium Pal and soon realized that, while it might make sense in a hospital, it really wasn’t very practical for day-to-day use. In an open-air sporting arena, a piping-hot thirty-four-ounce bag of urine might go unnoticed, but not so in a stuffy airplane or a small, crowded bookstore. An hour after christening it, I smelled like a nursing home. On top of that, I found that it was hard to pee and do other things at the same time. Reading out loud, discussing my dinner options with the flight attendant, checking into a fine hotel: Each activity required its own separate form of concentration, and while no one knew exactly what I was up to, it was pretty clear that something was going on. I think it was my face that gave me away. That and my oddly swollen calf.

What ultimately did me in was the self-adhesive condom. Putting it on was no problem, but its removal qualified as what, in certain cultures, is known as a bris. Wear it once and you’ll need a solid month in order to fully recover. It will likely be a month in which you’ll weigh the relative freedom of peeing in your pants against the unsightly discomfort of a scab-covered penis, ultimately realizing that, in terms of a convenient accessory, you’re better off with a new watchband.

Joan.

Please allow me to introduce Joan.



Full name is Joan Rivers Mix-Graham.

Likes? So far, scratching the hell out of things, hiding under the couch.

Dislikes? Car rides.

We bought Joan at a pet store on Burrard Street. She cost more than our microfiber loveseat, which is ironic because she is destroying the microfiber loveseat as I write this.

Joan is a blue point Himalayan cat. She may live to be 20 years old, unless she jumps off the balcony while we are at work tomorrow.

I wonder if Joan likes me? What will Joan do all day?

I keep thinking about how Joan has never tasted any fried foods. Would Joan like fried foods?

Yes, Joan is truly a blank canvas. Godspeed, Joan.

high school reunion.

This guy took a picture of himself every day for six years. It seems especially poignant as I head to my ten year high school reunion on Saturday.

Yes sir, one day closer to the old GR.

Oh well.

news & tributes

first, this man installed a new stereo into our 1990 Honda Civic.


he did a nice job, and we are grateful to him for it. my commute now has a beat that just won't back down.

second, the new Sloan record came out on Tuesday. it is great.



there is a song on there, called 'Set In Motion,' that I think you will like. there are a lot of other good songs, too.

is this the season of good records or something? The Dears 'Gang of Losers' also came out recently. it is so good that you'll wish you were associated with it, in some way.

cath and I went to see Final Fantasy at ubc on Tuesday night. it was the best show that I have ever seen that incorporated an overhead projector into it, along with the looping of violin parts. before the show we ate in the "sub" which is the cool way that students say 'student union building.' cath kept getting confused between "sub" meaning 'student union building' and "sub" meaning sandwich. it was kind of embarrassing.

tonight my friend and co-worker Jon Sanders has invited to me to see a "performance" by a disc jockey called Z-Trip. apparently, this Z-Trip fellow takes pre-recorded songs and "mixes" them together, creating an entirely new sound that is pleasing to the ears. we'll see, Jon. we'll see.

i have a new job. if you must refer to me in a professional capacity, please use 'key accounts rep.' as in, i am personally responsible for MORE THAN ONE ACCOUNT.

my ankle has almost healed. the body's regenerative power is truly humbling - not! should this really have taken six weeks? i have been making sarcastic comments to my body the entire time - things like "nice job healing, guy."

finally, i am awaiting the arrival of a new cellular phone. my current cellular phone has not been working for quite some time - apparently it has been having difficulty bouncing digital signals off of a satellite, or something. have any of my acquaintances even noticed that I am incommunicado?

stay cool forever,
DM.

new Sloan "Fading Into Obscurity"

any doubts?

here.

I broke my ankle.

They have fitted me with a robocop-esque boot cast for the next six weeks. I have been sent from the future to look out for truth and justice, etc.

Catherine specific info: please pick up an exfoliating stone and some anti-odour foot cast powder on the way home from work. Bring on the spongebaths!

Sympathy calls appreciated/expected.

Also, I am planning on doing some Jimmy Stewart in 'Rear Window' type voyeurism over the next six weeks from the balcony at the apartment. Does anyone have some high-powered binoculars I could borrow? Does anyone have the number for Meals On Wheels?

Cabin Fever 2006: Heritage Classic at Finchy Dune

It was a brotherhood of twelve men on a frozen pond.

Reverend Alecia

holy cow.

Who Taught You To Live Like That?

Sloan's new single "Who Taught You To Live Like That?" is now available for FREE download at the iTunes music store. A real return to form in my opinion - very Beatles-esque.

'so do you have any pet peeves?'

well, i haven't been writing much in here, so i have decided to treat this like it's a job, where i have a boss and where a certain amount of work is expected to be done. so we are going to start having themes around here and we are going to start dealing with issues.

i think if i wrote for the 'north shore news' or 'burnaby now' or some such small newspaper, i might write a column about pet peeves. the headline would be 'so do you have any pet peeves?' and in the article i would outline my pet peeves, and relate it to the readership with a line like 'we all have pet peeves so we should be aware of them and embrace the diversity of pet peeves in our community.'

maybe i would number them.

1. MISPRONUNCIATION OF KETCHUP, OR SHERBET.
this is when people say "catch-up" or even "kats-up." what are the origins of this pronunciation? and a lot of people love to say "sher-beRt." where did that extra 'R' come from? i really hate this.

2. WHEN PEOPLE LET DOGS LICK THEM ON THE MOUTH.
turn your head and let them lick your ear or the side of your face, please. also, is a dog really 'kissing' you when it licks you? when a dog is licking its genitals would you say it is 'kissing' its own genitals? supposedly they lick their genitals to 'clean' them. but why do dogs care if they have clean genitals, as they often eat their own feces! and why would a dog want to kiss you, or have any concept of what kissing is?

3. RADIO DJ'S WHO USE 'TEASERS' BEFORE GOING TO COMMERCIAL.
do you know what i mean here? when they can't just tell you which song is coming up after the commercial, but they have to make it into a trivia question. like they'll say "coming up after the break, a band who only ate nachos for a year!" or "up next, a singer that used to work as a furniture mover!" and then you wait through the commercial and it ends up being 'ridin' dirty' by chamillionaire.

4. 'RIDIN' DIRTY,' BY CHAMILLIONAIRE.

5. WHEN PEOPLE IN OUR BUILDING COMPLAIN ABOUT THE ELEVATOR BEING BROKEN DOWN (this one is from cath).
although i can't say i am feeling this one as it is pretty annoying when the elevator never works.

so, do you have any pet peeves? maybe leave your pet peeves in the comments section, and if there are any good ones i will put them up for further discussion. and let me know what you think about 'themes' too. tomorrow's theme? probably it will be "initial impressions of the loveseat" or "just how durable is microfiber?" or else "why do people like fireworks so much?"

the new loveseat.

i can't sleep right now. i often have trouble sleeping, but this time it is for a legitimate reason. the new loveseat is being delivered tomorrow!

it is made of 'microfiber,' which means it is highly stain resistant. i will probably watch some great television from the comfort of my new microfiber loveseat. if i melt cheese on a bagel i will eat it on the loveseat, maybe with a bottle of beer.

when it arrives, i wonder, how will my life be different? will i sit more, or will i just sit differently? hard to say. one thing that i think i will do is sit up straight. i can't picture myself slouching as much as i do on our current old couch. but this may pass, as i become familiar with the loveseat.

yes, the loveseat will be here tomorrow. it really is hard to believe.